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How family and friends can help
General ways to help people with cancer
Specific ways to support a loved one with cancer
General ways to help people with cancer
1. Donate blood to the Australian
Red Cross Blood Service
One of the best gifts that a bone marrow transplant or cancer
patient can receive is the gift of blood. Donating blood takes only
15 to 30 minutes. For many patients, the gift of blood is the gift
of life. For more information about donating blood, visit the
Australian Red Cross Blood
Service website.
2. Join the Australian Bone Marrow Donor Registry
For those friends and loved ones who have been truly affected and
would like a way to provide support for the community at large,
think about joining the Australian Bone Marrow Donor Registry (ABMDR).
The ABMDR is a register of people who are willing to donate their
bone marrow (or haemopoietic stem cells) if they are found to match
a patient needing a bone marrow transplant. ABMDR provides a
computerised registry of volunteer donors and cord blood units for
patients who have no matched sibling or extended family matches
available and who require bone marrow transplantation.
Only one patient in three will find
a matched donor within their family, and the other two in three
patients rely on the ABMDR to find them a suitable match. By joining
the ABMDR and volunteering to be a donor you could save a life and
offer someone the chance of a lifetime. For more information, visit
the Australian Bone
Marrow Donor Registry website.
3. Pregnant women, donate your cord blood
Scientists have discovered that cord blood found in the umbilical
cord and placenta after childbirth is a rich source of blood forming
cells that can be used instead of bone marrow transplants in
children. A cord blood transplant can also offer a greater chance of
matching with less risk of infection.
Cord blood donations are easy and completely painless. The placenta
and umbilical cord and the blood in it have no function after the
baby is born and are normally discarded. Collecting the cord blood
after a baby is born and after the cord is cut does not affect the
mother or the baby in any way. Once the valuable cord blood is
collected it can be taken to the laboratory for freezing and storage
until it is needed for a life saving transplant. The stem cells will
then be harvested later on if they are a match for someone in need
of an unrelated transplant. For more information on how you can
donate, visit the
Australian Bone Marrow Donor Registry website.
Specific ways to support a loved one with cancer
The diagnosis of cancer can be distressing for the patient, their
family and friends. As a friend you can provide wonderful support,
both emotional and practical.
To provide the best help possible, it is important that you take the
time to acknowledge how your friend’s diagnosis makes you feel. It
may be useful if you take the time to do some reading about the type
of cancer and treatment.
It is important not to over-commit yourself. It is better to be able
to fulfill realistic commitments than to take on things that you
cannot carry through.
When thinking about how you can help it is important to consider the
following:
- Does the person want my help?
- What sort of help have they requested?
- What do I have time for?
- Is the help I am offering appropriate to my relationship with the person?
- Who else is available to help?
- How will the rest of the family react to my involvement?
- Are there any language, cultural, gender or religious differences that might aid or interfere with my help?
Resist the temptation to ‘take
over’. Being diagnosed with cancer can cause some people to feel as
if they are losing control. It is important to assist the person to
maintain a sense of control.
Much of our sense of self comes from the roles we fulfill – parent,
spouse, sibling, worker or friend. Illness can interfere with these
valuable roles and sometimes the best help you can give is to call
on people’s skills and experiences and to reassure them they are
still valued.
Emotional help
- Talking is the best method of communication we have. Simply acknowledging and talking about distress can help to relieve it. Talk openly and honestly. Let the person indicate when and where they want to talk and what they want to talk about. Follow your friend’s lead.
- Listening may be more important than speaking. You do not need to have all the answers; just listening to questions can help. Be a sensitive, compassionate and empathetic listener.
- Don’t be afraid of silence or feel uncomfortable if there's a lull in the conversation. Quiet is better than empty words, and sometimes it’s better to say nothing at all than to say something potentially insensitive. Sharing silence can be very comforting. Your presence shows you care.
- Although people need to talk about what they are going through, equally they want to hear about the outside world and be distracted and entertained for a while.
- Respect that there will be times when he/she doesn’t want to talk and needs time to himself/herself.
- Maintain contact throughout the cancer experience through letters, cards or emails.
- If you have had cancer, respect that the person’s experience will be different to yours.
- Celebrate the milestones in the person’s experience, for example the halfway mark of their chemotherapy, the end of their treatment, their remission.
- Sometimes what you think is best for the person may differ from what they think. Try to ‘be with’ the person emotionally through their various feelings even if your feelings are different.
- Understand that needs change. Some people might be less willing to accept concrete help than others. If you have offered and have been refused, don't take offence. You might try asking again a few weeks later, or you might try directly asking your friend what, exactly, it is you could do to help most.
- Be humorous and fun when appropriate and when needed but also allow for sadness - do not ignore uncomfortable topics or feelings.
- Make time for a weekly check-in phone call. Let your friend know when you will be calling, and let your friend know that it is okay to not answer the phone.
- Over the phone, be sensitive to the needs of your friend. Always ask if your timing is appropriate, and if it isn't, then just convey your good wishes and offer your friend the option to call you back when convenient. Be sensitive to the possibility that your friend may need short breaks from phone contact at difficult times. Try sending postcards, letters, e-cards or emails.
- Tell your friend it is okay to turn down a call or a visit, and that you understand.
- When you make a commitment to help, follow through. For example, if you offer to bring a meal over on Sunday, don't forget.
- Continue to talk to your friend as the person they were before the cancer diagnosis. Ask about interests, hobbies, and other topics not related to cancer—people going through treatment sometimes need a break from talking about cancer.
- Offer support to your friend’s support-person/caregiver. The tendency is to focus attention on the individual dealing first-hand with cancer but the needs of the partner or main support-giver can often get lost in the haze. See if there is anything you can do to make this person's life a little easier.
- If you aren't sure how to help, ask.
- Be specific about your availability and what you can do. As sincere as you are when you say something like "Please call if there is anything I can do," it is very awkward for someone in need to take you up on this kind offer. Try to make your offer more specific. Something like, "I want to bring over dinner tonight." This is more direct and is something that is easier to say "thank you" for than to ask for.
- Draw up a roster among your friends to do things such as shopping, house cleaning, ironing, collecting children or preparing a meal.
- Offer to drive them to and from appointments and if they want, stay with them when they see the doctor or have treatment.
- If they live alone or have little support, they may appreciate help sorting through medical bills, Medicare claims and household expenses.
- Check if the person has a contact person for family and friend’s enquiries to be directed towards.
- Make plans for the future—this gives your friend something to look forward to.
- Avoid giving medical advice. Suggest that medical concerns are discussed with the doctor or nurse.
- Don’t give advice on how they can change their lifestyle or diet. They may already be struggling with their normal routine without having to change it and it may make them feel as if they have caused their cancer in some way.
- Avoid making assumptions about what the person can and can’t do.
- Refrain from telling the person about the latest cure or treatment you’ve heard about.
- Avoid over-staying your visit. Be sensitive to their needs.
- Avoid clichés – they are not useful.
- Don't comment on your friend's appearance.
- Don't tell them to have a positive attitude or offer advice on how your friend should bear up under adversity. Preaching almost never helps and can alienate your friend.
- Try not to offer platitudes. As much as we all want to believe "Everything is going to be all right!", hearing people say that can make someone living with cancer feel like the gravity of their plight is being trivialised or under-appreciated. Although that statement is very optimistic and well-intended, it can convey a lack of understanding about the severity of the situation. Try statements like "We think about you every day," "You are in our prayers," "I wish I was there to give you a great big hug," "If only there were something I could actually do to make this easier for you," etc.
- Don't offer advice or talk about the people you've known who have died from cancer.
What to say
Here are some simple guidelines to use when talking with your
friend.
Avoid saying:
- I know just how you feel.
- You need to talk.
- I know just what you should do.
- I feel helpless.
- I don't know how you manage.
- You're lucky, yours is the good cancer - this is often said of Hodgkin's disease because it is curable but there is nothing at all lucky about having any cancer.
Do say:
- I'm sorry this has happened to you.
- If you ever feel like talking, I am here to listen.
- What are you thinking of doing, and how can I help?
- Please let me know what I can do to help.
- You are an inspiration.
If you are wanting to give your friend a gift, the following list might give you some ideas:
- gift certificates for massage, spa services, bookstore, restaurants, movies, museum/art gallery passes
- a soothing CD
- a funny movie or book
- relaxation and meditation books, or a voucher for educational classes
- light reading such as magazines and poetry books
- homemade soup
- a beautiful scarf or hat (to disguise thinning hair)
- new pyjamas
- a journal to write about their experience
- portable hobby supply kits (such as scrapbooking, knitting, etc)
Anything that provides laughter or
comfort is healing and is always welcomed. Sing or play a song for
your friend, take them for a walk, or give them a massage or
foot-rub. Don’t underestimate the value of physical touch; sometimes
the best gift of all is a hug.
Most importantly, work to strike a balance in your support for
friends or family members dealing with cancer. Be concerned, but not
intrusive. Allow them their privacy, but don't abandon them. Don't
be afraid to ask them for guidance in how you can best help them
through their challenges when facing cancer.